Our Kids Are Getting a Much Harder and Scarier World!

Posted on January 19, 2010 by Bruce Sallan

The parents of every generation expect and hope that their children can and will do better than they did. Ours may be the first generation, in a very long while, where it is both unlikely and unrealistic to have this expectation. This scarier world has just gotten much more complicated, much harder, and more competitive. I reflected on this in a conversation with a friend, about how much easier we believed it was for us, as we were starting out in life.

It is inescapable that America’s pre-eminence in the world is changing. Whether it’s the devaluation of our dollar as the standard currency or other factors, it is clear that we are weakening as the world’s super-power. The fall-out from this translates to our industries, our economy, and the opportunities our children will have.

Just A Guy Declaring Raising Kids Takes Luck!

Posted on November 14, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

It isn’t just a factor in Vegas. It’s a factor in everything in life. And, I believe it’s one of the biggest influences in how our kids turn out. Yes, every yuppie thinks they will do it better than every generation before and many of us do make parenting a bigger priority, but I assert raising kids takes luck!

Coming from a showbiz background, I saw how luck was a contributor to so many people’s success. Why did one actor “luck out” and get a career-making role like J.Lo in “Selena” while another whose name we don’t even remember got their “break” in what turned out to be a flop? Luck.

Cosmo, the wonderful Donald O’Connor star of “Singin’ In The Rain” sang “Make ‘Em Laugh” in that seminal musical number, but I say “Give ‘Em Luck,” for life and kid success. A little laughter along the way won’t hurt though. In fact, I’d suggest watching that number whenever you need a lift. We all know parents that have done everything “right” yet have kids who are addicts, failures at school, and more. We also know many lazy, lousy parents whose kids turned out great.

I don’t believe we should just rely on luck, but don’t discount it either. And, don’t beat yourself up when your kids disappoints and blame yourself or your spouse, or your divorce, or your own problems. That can make a difference, of course, and we all should do our best job at parenting. Luck is a non-negotiable, uncontrollable factor but, what do I know; I’m just a guy. But I will still assert – raising kids takes luck!

Just A Guy Having the Sex Talk (with his kids)

Posted on November 1, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I remember when my dad had the sex talk with me. It was at a BBQ joint with sawdust on the floor. He talked mostly in euphemisms and I didn’t really understand much at all. Not a great beginning as I fumbled along for years to come.

However, I was determined to handle things differently with my boys and, as luck and coincidence had it, I ended up having the sex talk with each boy in the past few months. I sort of had it with my older one before, but he’d gotten a girlfriend and I had to be sure he understood the rules, obligations, and risks. So, we had a second talk, so I could be confident he knew the basics.

With my youngest, it occurred spontaneously the other evening at a crowded Japanese restaurant. It was amazing how little he understood or knew from school. For instance, he thought a woman could get pregnant any time of the month.

My Kids Aren’t Me, in Spite of Sharing the Same DNA

Posted on July 22, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I think the hardest lesson for me in becoming a parent was learning to let go of my expectations for my sons. Okay, I’ll be completely honest; I’ve only been able to partially let go of them. I think it’s impossible not to have some wishes for our kids, but the focus here is really on how we have specific things we hope they’ll like or do that often mirror our own interests or fantasies.

When I was a member of the Big Brother organization it had the unexpected effect of turning out to be a parenting prep course. The “Little” (the term for the kid you are matched with) I had was a young eight-year-old girl who totally didn’t like doing anything physical. This was before I was married, let alone before I became a parent.

In those days, they matched girls with Big Brothers, something that is all too rare today, due to fears enhanced by the media and the exaggeration of sexual harassment. Another topic for another column, for sure, as the little girls without fathers need the “Bigs” just as much as the little boys do, so this is a terrible loss for them.

Summertime and the Livin’ is Easy

Posted on June 23, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I love that song. Who can’t help but love it? It’s nearing summertime by this dad’s astute intuition and the school calendar, and that tells me it’s summer once again and what are we going to do with the kids? A stay-at-home parent’s life is dictated by driving. Driving his or her kids to and from school, to their various extra-curricular activities, to doctor’s appointments, etc. We live in the car, so summer is actually my break, too.

However, each summer poses a challenge of what to provide to best occupy my boys and possibly add positively to their life experiences. I’ve given up on any sports-oriented activities as they’ve rejected all of them. I signed up to coach a baseball team when Will, my older son, expressed interest in playing ball at around age eight. It ended with me continuing to finish the season as coach while he quit halfway through. Now, we all know that my allowing him to quit was a failure of mine as a parent, but we also know that parenting is an ongoing learning experience and one we might succeed at, finally, with our grandkids. And, that’s only because we can send them home after a while.

Mother’s Day and the Women In Our Lives

Posted on May 5, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

As Mother’s Day rolls around once again, I find myself reflecting this year on the different obligations we feel towards those mothers in our lives, at different times and passages in our lives. As this is the second Mother’s day since my own mother died, I can’t help but remember her with the fondest recollections, avoiding the sad, last, and declining years of her life when a stroke took away her sparkle and delightful personality.

Call me sentimental, but I can’t help but offer items of tribute to my mother, and just a few of the better memories, as they serve to remind and help me to be a better person whenever I think of them. My mother used to say about friends that if you want perfect friends you won’t have any. This would come up when I’d be disappointed in the behavior of a friend and I can still hear her words today when I feel let down by a friend. But, my reaction is tempered by remembering her words and the friendships she held onto for decades, by not carrying a grudge.

A Hamster and Some Dead Birds

Posted on March 4, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

One of parenting’s biggest challenges is when to protect your kids from life and when to let them learn the truth about it. This is a regular challenge for most parents and me. When I was dating, it was unclear how much I should disclose to the boys or when I should introduce them to a woman I was seeing. When their mother abandoned them and literally disappeared, did I tell them the truth about her (mental) instability or gloss over it? When my parents were ill and dying, how much did I share with the boys about the details and how much should they witness? With my 401K now a 201K, how much do I tell them about what we’re all facing in this declining and uncertain economy?