How My Wife and #Dogs Differ – Ten Ways, Part One

Category: Weekly Columns


Okay, I’m kidding. Well, sort of. Of course my dogs and my wife are not the same in ANY way but their differences are sort of striking. I love my dogs but I have NEVER equated the love of my pets with my love of human beings. Nonetheless, there’s a reason people are fanatical about their pets. Mostly, I think it’s the unconditional love. In our human relationships, we actually tend to expect something from one another.

dogs pets

So, with no further preamble, here’s my list of wife and dog differences:

~~ When I say, “Come,” my dogs listen to me.

~~ When I say, “Stay,” they stay.

~~ My dogs don’t argue with me.

~~ My dogs think I’m really cool and are ALWAYS happy to see me.

~~ I get more kisses from my pups in one day than I’ve got from my wife ALL YEAR.

Twisted Dogs

~~ The dogs do as they’re told.

~~ My dogs are great listeners and they don’t interrupt.

~~ My dog are gorgeous – well, so is my wife – no difference here!

~~ My dogs self-groom – my wife pays a football team’s worth of people for the same thing!

~~ My dogs wag their tails; my wife wags her finger!

Well, I’m sure you agree that this list is far from complete. So, we will do Part Two, but in the meantime, YOU are welcome to add any of your own differences between your partner and your dog(s)!

Dogs as Chinese Symbol

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  • jack43

    …and you’ll be sleeping on the sofa tonight

    • Bruce Sallan

      @jack43:disqus – I read it to her before I posted it! I think I’m safe…

  • keepdreamingon

    that’s very cute … and true!

    • Bruce Sallan

      Thanks @keepdreamingon:disqus – you might want to read @disqus_dU5ulU60s7:disqus ‘s comment below – he seems to have another point-of-view!

  • ginavalley

    Such cute pups!
    I see a lot of similarities between my spouse & our puppy:
    Both snore.
    Both fall asleep in front of the TV.
    Both will eat anything.
    Both hog the bed.
    Both love to have their back scratched.
    Both always seem happy to see me, although that might just be because both want to know when I’ll have dinner ready!.

    • Bruce Sallan

      Hmmm, @ginavalley:disqus – maybe our respective spouses would like each other! VERY CUTE…thanks so much!

  • David Weber

    Here are some ways in which wives and dogs are dissimilar:

    Dogs crap on the rug…wives generally use a commode. Dogs drink water from the commode…wives generally use the tap, or a water bottle. Dogs also throw up on the carpet or floor…as a rule, wives, once again, hold out for the commode — unless they’re really drunk and under 25 years old, or unless your wife is actually a Japanese businessman and it’s 11.00 at night and is on the railway station platform waiting for a train. (See the puddles at Tokyo train stations mornings when the trains start running.)

    Dogs can’t hold spoken-language conversations of any depth or nuance…a great many wives can. Dogs can’t write and read…many wives can, and therefore can communicate with spouses across vast distances in a manner that no dog even can comprehend.

    Dogs shake themselves off to get dry when rained on…wives use towels, or open umbrellas to avoid getting drenched in the first place. Dogs sniff and lick the behinds of other dogs…some wives do the same to their spouses, but generally in private, whereas with dogs it’s a public act…in fact, I am not certain that the distinction between public and private even exists for a dog, whereas for most wives, it is a pretty significant distinction.

    Dogs shed hair (well, yes, some breeds don’t) on furniture, so when you sit on the furniture, esp. if you’re wearing black, you take the dog hair with you wherever you go that day … wives may shed hair, but usually confine doing so to the shower drain.

    We make jokes about wives who can’t program a videorecording device or install new software on a computer or can’t get the hang of a Mac system after using a Windows machine for a long time … but try to get a dog to do any of those things! Can’t do it…dogs have no talent whatsoever for the technical side of life, whereas there are a great many wives who do.

    I have never seen a dog with an opposable thumb … the only human I’ve ever seen without an opposable thumb was the Willem Dafoe character in The English Patient — and he did once have opposable thumbs, it’s just that the Nazis amputated his thumbs as punishment for something or other. (In the sequel to the movie, that character begins barking and eating kibbles and digging holes in the garden with his legs, and wonders why.) No opposable thumb, no hitchhiking — you have never seen a dog hitchhike, have you? Most wives, on the other hand, have opposable thumbs, and can therefore hitchhike, or used to when they were younger and it was the 1960s.

    If Jack Kerouac had been a dog, he would never have been able to hitchhike, and thus never could have written the seminal novel, On the Road. Even if Kerouac HAD been able to write the novel, he would not have been able to proof-read his manuscript because, as I suggested in an earlier paragraph, dogs CANNOT READ. Any wife with opposable thumbs and a way with words COULD, in theory, write a novel.

    We make a big deal out of the number of humans who cannot read — we worry when it takes a human child longer than his or her peers to learn how to read, and the previous first lady of the U.S.A. made adult literacy a primary cause of hers … so here’s an entire species that can’t read and we give that species a total pass! Because they’re “cute” when they’re pups!

    Even a “cute” human infant who stays “cute” even into the fourth or fifth grade gets into hot water if he or she can’t read by then. That’s because it is IMPORTANT to be able to read — and WE CAN DO IT BUT DOGS CAN’T!

    • Bruce Sallan

      Hmmm, @disqus_dU5ulU60s7:disqus, one might “infer” from your lengthy comment – funny as it is – that you don’t particularly care for dogs? I might add that I think the “most of the time” thing applies to most of your thoughts on women’s “strengths” in comparison to dogs. In a pinch, I don’t know whose company I’d prefer…if VERY depressed, it would definitely be my pups!

      • David Weber

        It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I don’t “get” pets generally. I like animals, like big cats (leopards, jaguars, etc.), pachyderms and horses…I just don’t “get” the attraction of pets. The licking of your face, for example, why would I want a dog to lick my face? The peeing on one’s rug — why would I want to have a mammal around that pee’d on my rug? The claims of a dog’s unconditional love illustrate what is called the pathetic fallacy, which has to do with attributing human capacities to non-human entities. Again, if you want a pet, fair enough…I simply don’t “get” it. The hair all over the place…why would I seek that out, as opposed to avoiding in the first place that which sheds hair?

        • Bruce Sallan

          Ahhh, @disqus_dU5ulU60s7:disqus – the kisses I get from my pups – more in a few weeks than I’ve had my entire marriage! LOL (but true)…

  • Stacy Uncorked

    OK, not only did the post crack me up, the comments did as well – and I had to read everything to the hubby, since he was wondering why I was laughing so much over here. 😉 And ginavalley must be married to my husband. >;o)~

    • Bruce Sallan

      I LOVE that @StacyUncorked:disqus – you made my day. Did your husband agree with me?

  • Michelle Boutwell

    The benefits of having a trained dog are endless. A few months ago I started to train mine with some online videos I found here: , they teach you step by step , for only $ 1 per 3 days! Try it, it’s worth! Aggression, anxiety, biting, barking and disasters in the house have disappeared. My dog behaves excellent. And I have taught many tricks!!

    • Bruce Sallan

      Thanks @michelleboutwell:disqus but our trainer and my wife says I’M THE ONE who needs training! Grrr…