Baby Boomers Get Old, Too!

Category: Weekly Columns


I was born in the fifties so I guess that qualifies me as part of the Baby Boomer generation. I’d rather not be part of what I consider as the most destructive modern-era generation of self-involved human beings the planet has ever seen. But, I had no choice as to when I was born. I’m fond of saying that the ONLY good thing to come out of the sixties was some decent rock ‘n’ roll and, sadly, I stand by that statement. Okay, the Civil Rights movement was a good thing, too.

Vietnam war comic

Now, we Boomers are getting old. But, of course, we have to re-invent “old” and re-define it with sayings like, “Sixty is the new Fifty” and the like. Yes, we are the beneficiaries of more knowledge about good health and, of course, better cures for many of the common illnesses that plague human beings and are the causes of death. Yet ironically, we are raising the most obese children in human history (I’m mostly speaking of the United States).

Oh, and we’ve legalized marijuana – something we should be oh-so-proud of given its medicinal qualities. We’ll ignore the reality that weed today does not resemble the home-grown pot of the hippie era in ANY fashion other than it’s called the same thing. We’ll also conveniently ignore the studies linking brain damage to those under 25 who indulge in marijuana usage – often or even sporadically – ‘cause that would derail our happy agenda of getting high.

Baby Boomer Turns 60

“Make Love Not War” is another slogan from my generation that is about as stupid a slogan as one can imagine. I think Hitler would have responded well to the offer of a flower. Naturally, North Korea would rather have a Woodstock-like event vs. starving and enslaving its population. And, of course, all the hard-core Islamists love women so much that a Free Love Festival would be tons of fun – ignoring the fact that it’s only allowed for them once they reach heaven in a blaze of glory after killing innocent people.

So naturally, we will do “old” differently: lots of plastic surgery for sure. Then there will be those that adopt the latest food fad. When I was in college macrobiotics was the rage. I remember eating at those restaurants where the devout followers hung out. They all looked ill. Now, we have eating “raw,” no GMO’s, Vegan, Vegetarian, and Pescetarian. What is that latter one? Eating pests?

Baby Boomer's first phone

We also now have stores like “Whole Paycheck” aka Whole Foods where we can pay twice as much for our food in the belief it’s been grown organically and is healthier. We have a new one here – Erewhon – where EVERYTHING is about twice as much as at any of the other local chain market. But, we feel really good when we carry out our food in our whole-grain bag, made from cow-dung and raw seeds.
Who remembers the song “Junk Food Junkie” by Larry Groce from 1976? Change a few words and nothing much as changed!

There must be a new word for “retirement” in the politically correct fashion that we’ve changed almost every good thing and tradition in America. Let’s suppose what that might be? How about “Re-Invented,” “Repurposement,” or Delusionment?”

Today’s Boomer moms love to be with it and dress just like their daughters. Groovy, baby (wow, groovy is IN spell-check!). So, we get to see middle-aged women showing off parts of their middle-aged bodies that we’d rather see covered in a moo-moo. Wait. WAIT! No boomer is “middle-aged” – what was I thinking?

Wi-Fi vs. Hi-Fi Baby Boomer cartoon

How about “retirement homes” – how will we change those? Well, I envision a Disneyland-style home development with all the necessities for Boomers. It would include a hookah-bar, natural foods concessions, golf, tennis, video game room of course, library of classic rock ‘n’ roll, a movie theater for re-runs of “Easy Rider,” “Bonnie and Clyde,” and “Fantasia” (remember getting high to “Fantasia?”). Every home will have massage chairs, jacuzzis, and a concierge will be on call 24/7. Excursions will take its residents to local concerts when The Stones do their next Final Tour and for the revival of Hair at the local theatre.

Yep, Mick Jagger will be touring well into his 80’s and 90’s even though I believe it was a young Mick Jagger who infamously said “Never trust anyone over 30” (or was it 40?).

Baby Boomer Getting Old comic

How much will these homes cost and how much will HOA dues be? I’m guessing the one-bedroom homes will start at $1,000,000 and the monthly dues will begin at $1,000. The Boomers, of course, will solicit Washington to subsidize these necessities. After all, most boomers spent all the money they earned in their lifetimes and/or lost much of it in the recent recessions, but that was not their fault.

It looks good to me. I’ll start saving someday for this – after my next Botox treatment…

Retired Baby Boomer t-shirtBaby Boomer comic