The Art of the Fart aka My Wife Called Me Fart-Head

Category: Families & Generations


Disclaimer – This column is PG or PG-13 rated, due to its excessive use of bathroom (farting) humor and the two YouTube videos. Trust me, the humor in this column is much tamer than what you find in most contemporary television sit-coms and current movies such as “Bridesmaids” and “The Hangover.” But, as my readers cover the gamut of family values, and I respect you all, I offer this warning.

Summer fruits = Summer toots.  But, I love summer fruit, especially cherries that have a very short season for us.  But, cherries don’t agree with me, gastronomically that is.  My wife has recently begun to call me, Fart-head, along with “Gas-Bag,” and other non-PG rated things.  I think it’s funny; she thinks it’s disgusting.  You be the judge as I replay, to the best of my memory, our recent dialogue going to our local Farmer’s Market.

Me:  Let’s get some more of those great cherries and other fruit we got last week, honey?

Honey:  Are you kidding me? All they do is make you a gas-bag.  Plus, you didn’t even finish the peach pie I made last week.

Me:  Gee, sweetie, I love your pies but I can’t eat all of it! No one else was eating it and you’ve been complaining about my belly, anyway.

Sweetie:  That’s another reason (I let out a gentle one). YOU ARE DISGUSTING.

Me:  C’mon, after all we ate last night, I can’t control it, Sugar-Plum.

SugarPlum: Oh, yes you can.

Me:  Really, I can’t. Besides, it’s summertime and you know all these fresh, wonderful fruits, contribute to my farting, Darling.

Darling:  Bull. You can control them.  Yipes, last night it was like there was a machine-gun in bed.  You farted so much you were practically levitating on top of the bed. You know, it’s not very sexy, honey.

Me:  Well, you should hear your snores.  They are really amazing…and so varied. I need to tape them so you can enjoy them as much as I do.  You know, everything you do, turns me on, Pumpkin-Pie!

Pumpkin-Pie:  Let’s not even talk about your snoring. The boys even hear you upstairs with their doors closed!

Me:  Do you remember that YouTube video of the guy in bed? We used to laugh so hard at that one, Mush-Poo.

Mush-Poo (laughing, in spite of herself): Yes, I do.  And that other one with the girl on a blind date (chuckling in spite of trying not to)…that was hilarious!

Me: OMG, that is so funny, Peachie (laughing so hard, I let out another one):

Peachie: Can’t you stop for one minute! This is embarrassing.  Someone could hear you!

Me (as we’re walking): There’s no one here.  Besides, you’ve known this about me all along. I accept your little quirks and eccentricities, you know, Sugar!

Sugar (getting serious, not laughing anymore):
No, you were on your best behavior until I married you. You tricked me! By the way, what might some of my quirks be?

Me (getting scared, as we arrive at the Farmer’s Market): Here we are, Sunset and Vine*
*A favorite line of mine from “Singin’ In the Rain.”


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