Stuck Between My Wife and the Kids

Posted on October 27, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

In every marriage, spouses face an inevitable choice between their children and their spouse. It is a classic dilemma that confronts every couple and one that is inescapable and difficult. It is especially true in second marriages, like mine. I have to admit, it is an ongoing issue in our home and one I’m trying to figure out with the right amount of love and respect shown towards everyone.

Some therapists advise that the husband/wife should always come first. Others, like Dr. Laura, advise to always put the kids first. As with much of her advice, I think it’s too cut-and-dried and doesn’t take into consideration the grays of life. In my case, I was raising my boys alone for several years and the bond we had was deep, plus the hurt from their mom abandoning them was deep and different for each of them.

Just A Guy Choosing Between Wife and Kids

Posted on October 11, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

The classic second marriage dilemma is the parent of the kids choosing between his or her kids and their spouse. Recently, I faced that problem times ten with choosing between wife and kids.

First, my wife had a medical emergency that involved paramedics, 911, and a morning rush to the hospital, followed by surgery, recovery, and coming home – all in the same day. Between it all, I had to deal with my boys getting to and from school and try and do a little necessary work. While my wife was obviously going through the worst of it, I was completely worn out trying to balance everyone’s needs.

Who Said Marriage Should be Work?

Posted on October 6, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I recently learned some statistics that surprised me, but upon reflection they really made sense. What do you think the rate of divorce is between first, second, and third marriages? Think about it. I didn’t and came to the wrong conclusion.

It’s pretty much agreed by most experts that first marriages end in divorce about 40-50% of the time. What surprised me is that the divorce rate increases with second marriages to something like 60% and more, while third marriages end in divorce at least 70% of the time.

My first gut reaction was that we would have learned from prior mistakes, we’d be wiser with the experience of living through a marriage and divorce, and maybe, just maybe, we may have learned something about our contributions to the break-up. And, therefore, we’d not repeat destructive behaviors.

Just A Guy Pouting

Posted on September 12, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I find it hard to believe that I’m a grown man and I still pout. When my wife and I don’t get along and our communication is in the toilet, I am a sulking guy pouting, and take all my toys and go hide in my cave. Okay, maybe not all my toys, but you get the picture.

After all my time in therapy, all my time in my men’s group, all the ups and downs of marriage, divorce, dating again, and getting married again, I still act like a little boy when my feelings are hurt.

Just A Guy and His In-Laws

Posted on September 5, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

In-Laws. They make movies about them. They write jokes about them. They make marriages more complicated. And, I have them. Second time around. Much better, but still a challenge.

First time, I started off on the wrong foot by wanting to know why my wife had no relationship with one of her sisters. Evidently, wrong question. I then completely ate my foot when they offered to get us a camcorder for a wedding present and I had the temerity to want a voice in the choice. Being in the “business,” I knew what features I wanted. Oops.

Just A Guy Without His Wife

Posted on July 25, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I’m just a guy without his wife. She is out of town and, gulp, I have to admit I sort of like it. The reason she’s gone I don’t like, as her mother is having some serious surgery, and we’re all concerned. Putting that aside, I must say I’m enjoying the alone time. In short order, I will miss her as I love her dearly and appreciate all the good she brings into our house, for my boys and myself. But, for the moment, it’s sort of cool.

My parents were of that “other” generation. They met when they were 17 and 14, married in their early twenties, and were together EVERY day of their lives unless one of them was in the hospital. EVERY day, for 66 years. No typo. They also had lunch together nearly EVERY day. Theirs was a love for the ages.

Don’t Take It Personally

Posted on May 19, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I know my column is from my personal perspective, and often about my personal life. Yet I feel this topic is more confessional than many others and affects me too often. I take things too personally. Having this deficiency is truly toxic when you are raising kids or beginning a new marriage, both of which define my present state of affairs.

Let’s give some examples and see how many of you relate to them. Easy ones are when ShortRib (my wife) isn’t smiling, isn’t talking much, or doesn’t respond quickly to an e-mail, or text of mine. I always assume that it’s my fault or something I’ve done.