Just A Guy Who Used To Be Single On Father’s Day

Posted on June 21, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

This Fathers Day, being recently remarried, I don’t have to face it wondering what to do and who will teach my boys to remember and respect me. But, in previous years, while I was encouraging them to make or buy Mother’s Day and birthday cards for their mother, who had abandoned them, there seemed to be no one to help them with the same task for me.

This is no feel-sorry-for-myself reflection, but a conundrum many single parents face when their birthdays or other holidays come about. I was vigilant in reminding them to remember their mother and her mother, not because she deserved anything from them, but because it taught them to respect parents, other relatives, and learn the right thing to do when they got older.

Memories Are Made of This (My Father’s Day Column)

Posted on June 11, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I am quite happy to write this column from the vantage point of some distance from the pain of my own father’s death and the time I was alone, separated, and then divorced, and raising my boys 24/7. But, it only seems appropriate to reflect on those times, the positive memories of my dad, and the contrasting struggle of teaching my boys, much younger then, to remember their own father.

My father was a unique man: stoic, hard working, resistant to complaints, and whining, and completely in love with my mother. David Sallan died where he was happiest, right next to my mom, holding her hand, at 90 years of age. They met when he was 17 and she was 14, by a lake in Michigan; he was the sun-tanned water-worshipper, she was the shy, pale, redhead with a brain. He was brawn; she was class. And, he worshipped her from the day he laid eyes on her.

Just A Guy Who Doesn’t Know When To Trust His Teen

Posted on April 25, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

They say independence comes with the teenage years and I’ve witnessed my teenager go from clingy, in-my-face for every little thing, to closed door, on the phone, not interested in anything from Dad except what’s in my wallet. Oh, and a ride whenever he wants to go somewhere. I know part of this is good, but the other part wonders when to trust they are ready to be on their own?

Trust must be earned. Some things you just don’t trust, don’t take the risk, no matter what. A teen’s brain just isn’t fully developed, as hard as that is to believe, as the brain doesn’t really fully mature till their mid-20s and, in the case of boys and men maybe much later or never. Don’t trust me on this; do the research, as it’s a fact.

Just A Guy Dating With Kids

Posted on April 5, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

When is it time to introduce your kids to your new “friend,” someone you’ve been dating a while, and when is it okay for them to sleep over? One is relatively simple, in this dad’s opinion, the other more dicey.

It’s easy when you have split custody; date, have sex, do it all when the kids are with the ex. It’s not so easy if you have the kids all the time (as I did). Then, the choice is a secret life or earlier introduction than the therapists all advise (and, remember, every therapist has a dysfunctional family, so why are you listening to them). It’s not good for the kids if you are not happy. So, as with most things in life, there’s a middle ground on when to make that introduction.

It’s the Economy Stupid, I Mean, Son

Posted on February 4, 2009 by Bruce Sallan

I had naively hoped never to live through tough economic times like my folks did, with The Great Depression. And, while I still believe that we’re far from those stupid dark economy days, it is clear that we are in the midst of the worst financial crisis of my life and certainly of my boy’s lives. There are lessons for them, for me, for all of us.

I recently got in a debate with a close friend about his wanting to get his not-yet-16-year-old a car. “He’s done well in school; he deserves it,” my friend says. This same friend is financially strapped, in constant debt, yet wants to please his son whose many friends “all have cars.” This is the ultimate juggling act for my generation of parents, who seem inclined to pamper their kids, delay their growing up, and otherwise give them everything they desire. It seems we’re all trying to compensate for some perceived slight our kids are suffering at our hands, whether it’s the dual-working parents or, in my case, the ugly divorce and absentee Mom. I feel bad for them, so I buy to assuage those feelings.